The date is December 19, 2013. I am in my first year of law school and in over my head. I awake an hour before my alarm to my ex-ex girlfriend screaming. I don’t recall what, but she is excited to tell me something. Boy, am I pissed. I need my sleep for what is about to come: a 7,500-word exam in four hours.
As she jumps on my bed, I make one of those half-smile, half-scowl faces. I needed that extra hour. “Ok, what’s up babe? What’s your news?” I still don’t remember the news, but I’m sure it was worth waking me up for.
It’s too late for me to go back to bed. I putter my way to my living room still half-asleep, and grab my attack outline. I’m up—might as well study more. Personal jurisdiction. Federal question. Erie v. Tompkins. Summary judgement. Yada, yada. I know my shit cold.After reviewing the fourteen pages of pure knowledge a few more times, I run four blocks to the Q train and am on my way.
I arrive at Vanderbilt Hall and start stuffing my face with hard-boiled eggs. It’s my tradition. Three eggs, two granola bars, one focus vitamin water. Trust me, it works. I get my protein, my carbs, and my hydration. After a quick trip to the bathroom, I head to the exam room. Neither fear nor reality has set in. I am confident, cool, and charismatic.
I smile to the person on my left and then to the one on my right. Only two of us will not be returning to law school in the spring. (That’s a joke. Law school is not medical school.) My charisma turns to trepidation as I receive my exam booklet. It’s the longest thing I’ve ever seen. I wonder if I’ll be able to even read it all before time is called.
Side point: “ex-ex” is my lingo for two ex girlfriends ago. I’ve been in two long-term relationships in my life (three if you count my high school girlfriend of two-and-a-half months) and my first had begun just a few months before law school. She was practically my neighbor, my apartment being a five-minute walk from hers. Some might say she was the ~girl next door~
It takes me at least ten minutes to read the first question. (I was exaggerating earlier; I can read it all.) I begin to think through my answer. But instead of thinking in my mind, I think in writing. I set my fingers to my keyboard and just type. “Oh, this analysis is wrong? Let me just say so.” I write a less-than-accurate point and follow it up by calling myself out. “That’s false, actually. Here’s why.”
I don’t have time to plan my answers. If I pause for even a moment, I will fall behind. My fingers rest as I read. Ten minutes here. Fifteen minutes there. Bursts of three, five, and seven as they start spazzing up. This is law school, y’all. Start doing finger workouts now.My exam answers are my stream-of-conscious thoughts. I write my plan as it forms. I actually get a kick out of reading my exam now. I still have it. All 7,500 words. The A+ exam was over 10,000.
I scarf down another granola bar as I near the halfway mark. If spinach gives Popeye giant biceps, carbs give me super-charged neurons. I type faster. I think faster. My progress is undeniable.Along with the granola bar, I take a few sips of water. Big mistake. As I approach the three-hour mark, my bladder comes knocking. “Chill out. You can wait.” No, it cannot. My urine holder is not having it.
I race to the bathroom down the hall, each second precious. You ever have a really long pee when you’re in a rush? You try to pee faster, but it’s no use. That is me. The stream just keeps going. When it finally stops, I rinse my hands and run back to the exam room.
Fifty-five minutes left. I’m energized and hydrated. My brain is at peak performance and my fingers are fluttering like a spider. Question five? You gone. Question six. Fuck, it has two parts. My brain is overheating. Fatigue is setting in. PUSH HARDER, MOSHE! PUSH HARDER!
The rest of the exam is a bit of a blur, but I complete it. I have maybe three minutes of time leftover as my fingers pen the last word. I also have maybe 99,570,383,644 neurons or something remaining, too. I don’t know the math for that. Do we lose neurons from thinking too hard? I was an accounting major in college.
That is it. My third and final exam of my first semester of law school. Winter break is up next. No work, no classes, no studying. Just relaxing. Ex-ex, feel free to wake me up whenever. I can always go back to sleep.
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